I'm sorry it's been such a rough week, and I hate that you suffer so from PTSD. Cancer is such a brutal beast and the impact lasts a lifetime, as you and I know so well. And yet, here you are, living your best, content (for the most part, hopefully) creative life. And while also being a wonderful mom! These are no small feats!
That doctor who said, just be happy, yikes. Talk about being out of touch, not to mention, the insensitivity of his words. Thank goodness you have found support you need. But still...
Your grapes turned out beautifully. The night landscape is calming and perfect. I love how you knew it was finished and signed it. And the poems are wonderful I'm going to have to try writing some poetry when I get up the nerve. I'll probably have to start with haiku. Or free form. I have yet to even figure out what pantoum even means. The title of "Mind Games" is perfect. My favorite part is how you referred to cancer fallout as cancer "leftovers". That is brilliant, Beth!
Here's to a better week, my friend. Thank you for so candidly sharing about your cancer "leftovers" and thank you for sharing your creativity with us. By doing so, you're helping us all. xx
Thank you for your supportive comment, and you are right: the cancer experience lasts a lifetime. And, yes, the doctor was a jerk. I knew he would be as soon as he walked into the room with his arrogance.
I appreciate your kind words about my art; it is so much fun to create art. And I am, indeed, living a content life, despite the medical bobbles along the way. I am in a good space, and I am so grateful for the life I now lead.
And I so appreciate your analysis of "Mind Games." I'm really liking this form of poetry (a pantoum is basically a poem following a certain format, where certain lines are repeated, and, in having the lines repeated, paired with new lines, the shades of meaning change). I had no idea what a pantoum was until I read a Substacker's post a few weeks ago, where she explained it and showed an example of it. So I figured I'd try it.
Regarding poetry, you can do it! Yes, starting with a haiku makes sense. I love haikus. The great thing about poetry is that there are no rules. You can totally do free form, too. It's just playing with words, moving them around. There's no standard or "correct" poem. I would love to read your poetry.
Thank you, my friend, for the restack. I always appreciate you.❤
Beth, thank you for your honesty about the ongoing reality of PTSD and the effort it takes to navigate even routine medical moments. I really appreciate how you challenge the idea that survivorship means simply moving on, while at the same time showing us that a meaningful, full life can exist alongside these realities. Your poem captures that tension so powerfully. Thank you always for speaking so openly and helping to reduce the stigma around mental health in this space.
Thank you so much for your insightful comment. As you know, survivorship is complex and doesn't simply involve moving on. And, yes, I am living a wonderful life despite life's challenges. It's completely possible to savor life and to be affected by mental health challenges. Thank you for your generous words about my poem.❤
You are absolutely right, Eileen. It's amazing how many physicians don't consider this a reality. Thank you for your comment, and I so appreciate your kind words about my 🎨 art.
Thank you for your rawness and candor on the page and on the screen, Beth. I felt it acutely in your pantoum.
As much as we have learned about the brain and mental health, it feels like we are just circling the fringes of being able to treat them--but art, and breathing, and music, as well as therapy and medication are surely part of the equation to manage. And you are doing all that and showing up here on Substack. The very essence of strength and heart in the face of adversity.
Thank you for your supportive, warm words. I so appreciate what you've said here.
There's certainly a lot more to discover regarding mental wellness. I totally agree with you that so many tools are available to help one struggling with mental health, or even preventing mental health struggles, and you name several of them. I believe these tools are so important for everyone.
And thank you regarding my watercolor grapes! I really am grateful.
Your article is so powerful Beth, the way you speak so honestly about the ongoing impact of PTSD and how cancer changed your psychological and emotional landscape, not just your body, is brave and also very real. As for that doctors recent comment - unbelievable!!
The pantoum captures the way the past keeps echoing in the present with such quiet power and I also love how your paintings sit alongside the writing as your own way of managing the PTSD…the grapes with their gentle detail and Starstruck with its wide, open sky feel like places where your mind can rest for a moment.
Thank you for sharing this open and honest reflection, the more people share their mental health experiences the less stigma there will be for others and hopefully people like that doctor might actually learn a thing or two. Warmest wishes 🙏🏻
I so appreciate your comment, kindness, and understanding. I totally agree that sharing mental health issues can help us destigmatize these.
Your analysis of my pantoum so spot-on. That's exactly how I feel: I could be at peace one minute, and then suddenly an unpleasant memory from the past shows up. Of course, I have plenty of wonderful days, too.
Thank you for your insightful discussion of my paintings. Art has a way of calming the soul.
Beth so many revelations here in your blog! First, I think it's so important to understand your "triggers" and to understand that you are still undergoing trauma--and that it's vital that you treat yourself tenderly, gingerly, lovingly. Second--you have found your rhythm with the pantoum! The poem felt very fresh and urgent and it made me feel as though you were undergoing a very important "healing" within the poem itself. The repetition seems so important here--as though as humans we are trying to shake or get beyond these negative fears, but we're trapped because we keep encountering these lingering damages if you will. Honestly I want to keep praising you for your adept adaptation of this poetic form! And finally, your haiku is exquisite and you taught me something powerful--you hyphenated the last word in the first line and carried it down to the second--so simple but genius! And I love that it brings the first two lines closer together in vibration and resonance! Fantastic--and it illustrates the poem brilliantly! Thank you again Beth for this soulful essay on making art from chilling trauma.
Gerry, thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. I so appreciate your reading my essay and poetry, as well as my art. You are so right about my understanding my triggers and treating myself with loving care. I do need to be reminded of this from time to time, as so many of us do.
Regarding the pantoum, thank you for your kind, supportive comments. I'm really loving this poetic form. It's really amazing how shades of meaning change and turn with the repeated lines, as well as new lines that are introduced. What thrills me is that I'm learning a lot about poetry and myself. And you're right, I did feel that the poem was helping me go through the healing process. There's something so therapeutic in using art -- whether it be writing or visual -- in helping the creative work through trauma.
And thank you for your kind words about the haiku. I enjoyed writing this one so much.
Your positive comments on my poetry mean so much to me, especially given the talented poet you are! Thank you my dear friend.
Love seeing your progress with the grapes, it’s coming alone beautifully! I hear you about the PTSD! It’s hard work. I understand and respect how you are moving with it and through it everyday. I’m glad you have tools to help including art. Keep those words and brushes moving, my friend.
Thank you so much, Susan, for your kind words about my experience, art, and words. I will keep creating, for sure. Being creative is a wonderful approach to what ails a person. I so appreciate your support.
Beth, first, art. I love the grapes, fun and I’m guessing it must have been a relaxing exercise to paint them. I find that the repetition of shapes helps me relax. I agree with you the night sky and mountains are finished. I love the lighting throughout the painting. “Mind games” is very powerful!! It made my stomach clench into a knot. The doctor who told you to focus on being happier lives in a bubble, how horribly arrogant and insensitive! That doctor needs to be replaced if at all possible.
I’m glad the stigma around discussing mental health is easing, but many older people (our generation) still don’t get it. I try to think of ways to explain depression to people, like having the wires disconnected on a circuit board. They really have a hard time visualizing it because the understanding of brain physiology has advanced so much in their lifetimes that they (older people) haven’t been able to keep up with the advances in research, and they rely on what they were taught long ago. Traumatic experiences are like a rewiring and disconnections and we are only beginning to learn how to treat them. (Thanks for the shout out to my Substack)
Thank you for another wonderfully creative and meaningful post!
Thank you for your kind words on my art. I so appreciate it! And you're right: it was such a relaxing exercise to paint the grapes. I agree that drawing repeating shapes -- in my case, each oval grape -- is so relaxing. I appreciate your words on my poem "Mind Games." It really describes my feelings.
In terms of the jerk doctor, he was arrogant from the time he walked into the examining room. He was only in his 40s or so, but his ideas on mental health sucked. I do agree that the older generation doesn't always understand mental health issues. You explain depression very effectively.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles. It seems, however, you are doing a great job at living your life to its fullest. I love your grapes painting. You have done such a great job on the shading of light on the individual grapes. In time, I bet you will be able to come up with a poem to go along with it. The mountain painting and accompanying haiku are terrific. I like the way you hyphenated universed.
Thank you for your kind comment. I am doing my best to live my best life! And that includes art and writing. Thank you for your compliment on the grapes. As you know, watercolor is relatively new to me, so it took me a long time to work on this, but that was less time I spent worrying!
Perhaps I will be able to come up with a poem for the grapes painting someday. Thank you for noticing the universed word!
Mental Health is like exercise. You work out physically because it gives you energy and makes your stronger. With mental health you work out too. It's the exercise that reveals the strengths and gifts of knowing the inner life.
Your words here are so accepting and compassionate. Life can be a tough teacher, but as you demonstrate, when you keep it real and pay attention, you grow in self-love and compassion. Sometimes our frailties are the greatest lessons. Your sharing with such emotional honesty, enriches my life, Beth. Thank you. It's like a permission slip for me to keep it real and not succumb to the influence of people who say things like, "can you just move forward now?"
And the art. . .The grapes will always be "the midnight grapes," because you painted the first draft of them in the middle of the night instead of tossing and turning in bed. I like how the added dark colors gave them shape and deeper form. And of course, you know I love "Starstruck" because it reminds me of Joshua Tree.
The poetry . . . you had a really creative week and the results are beautiful. Your voice is the glimmer of light in dark places; a song of inspiration to those of us who share the path with you; a poetic weaving of human life unfolding. As always, I remain grateful for your friendship. You are part of an artistic community here that has become integrated into my days. So on that note, I sign off as your forever friend and fan, ~stephanie
You are so right about taking care of our mental health being like exercise. It takes so much work to keep our bodies and minds healthy. And I so agree that the greatest lessons can come from life's difficulties.
You are an amazing influence on me, Stephanie, for I am in awe of your candor, your strength, and the wonderful person I've come to know.
Yes, the grapes would be better suited to be called "The Midnight Grapes." I also did the final draft in the wee hours of the morning during a low-sleep night.
I am enjoying writing poetry again. I find it challenging, but so rewarding, too. I didn't realize it until you said it: yes, I've had a creative week -- even though the week was so stressful for me. Maybe it's the creative acts that kept me afloat. I clung to painting and poetry this week because I needed to alleviate all the stress I was feeling.
Not sure how or why that works, but I've also found that some of my best work comes out of dark or stressful times -- maybe because we do turn to our art, and we let our challenges guide our art. Anyway -- you did have a really creative, creating week, my friend! Sending you lots of love with a big smile on my face.
Dear Beth, I love how your voice gives shape to experience that many of us carry in silence. The way you weave poetry and art through the reality of PTSD feels both courageous and so deeply human. Your resilience, through everything you've lived thus far, is unmistakable ... but so is your tenderness, and it’s a privilege to witness both.
Trauma wounds can shape us for decades, sometimes a whole lifetime, though thankfully their sharpest edges can soften. You remind me to bring a little of my own history into the light too. For naming it helps us see how far we’ve travelled, and reassures others that how they feel today won't be how they feel forever … survival carries hidden costs, but also a quiet, hard won wisdom.
And then there's your beautiful paintings ... those mauves and purples in both the grapes and Starlight ... seem to hold that same Truth, as if the fruit and the night sky are speaking the same language of memory and resilience. Love and blessings always, your poet friend, Deborah. 💖🙏🫂
Thank you so much for your kind, supportive, beautiful words. It felt a little risky to me to put my struggles out there, but after the week I had, I felt that putting them out into the universe was the right thing to do. And it felt cathartic, so I'm glad I did.
I love what you say, so insightfully, "For naming it helps us see how far we’ve travelled, and reassures others that how they feel today won't be how they feel forever … survival carries hidden costs, but also a quiet, hard won wisdom." You are right; there is wisdom to be gained. And so many people are suffering from trauma, that they can often relate to what is written down, once it's named.
Thank you for your kind words on my paintings. I'm a huge fan of purples, and I probably didn't even connect how both paintings related to each other.
Hi Beth,
I'm sorry it's been such a rough week, and I hate that you suffer so from PTSD. Cancer is such a brutal beast and the impact lasts a lifetime, as you and I know so well. And yet, here you are, living your best, content (for the most part, hopefully) creative life. And while also being a wonderful mom! These are no small feats!
That doctor who said, just be happy, yikes. Talk about being out of touch, not to mention, the insensitivity of his words. Thank goodness you have found support you need. But still...
Your grapes turned out beautifully. The night landscape is calming and perfect. I love how you knew it was finished and signed it. And the poems are wonderful I'm going to have to try writing some poetry when I get up the nerve. I'll probably have to start with haiku. Or free form. I have yet to even figure out what pantoum even means. The title of "Mind Games" is perfect. My favorite part is how you referred to cancer fallout as cancer "leftovers". That is brilliant, Beth!
Here's to a better week, my friend. Thank you for so candidly sharing about your cancer "leftovers" and thank you for sharing your creativity with us. By doing so, you're helping us all. xx
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for your supportive comment, and you are right: the cancer experience lasts a lifetime. And, yes, the doctor was a jerk. I knew he would be as soon as he walked into the room with his arrogance.
I appreciate your kind words about my art; it is so much fun to create art. And I am, indeed, living a content life, despite the medical bobbles along the way. I am in a good space, and I am so grateful for the life I now lead.
And I so appreciate your analysis of "Mind Games." I'm really liking this form of poetry (a pantoum is basically a poem following a certain format, where certain lines are repeated, and, in having the lines repeated, paired with new lines, the shades of meaning change). I had no idea what a pantoum was until I read a Substacker's post a few weeks ago, where she explained it and showed an example of it. So I figured I'd try it.
Regarding poetry, you can do it! Yes, starting with a haiku makes sense. I love haikus. The great thing about poetry is that there are no rules. You can totally do free form, too. It's just playing with words, moving them around. There's no standard or "correct" poem. I would love to read your poetry.
Thank you, my friend, for the restack. I always appreciate you.❤
Beth, thank you for your honesty about the ongoing reality of PTSD and the effort it takes to navigate even routine medical moments. I really appreciate how you challenge the idea that survivorship means simply moving on, while at the same time showing us that a meaningful, full life can exist alongside these realities. Your poem captures that tension so powerfully. Thank you always for speaking so openly and helping to reduce the stigma around mental health in this space.
Hi Marie,
Thank you so much for your insightful comment. As you know, survivorship is complex and doesn't simply involve moving on. And, yes, I am living a wonderful life despite life's challenges. It's completely possible to savor life and to be affected by mental health challenges. Thank you for your generous words about my poem.❤
PTSD from cancer treatment is a real thing. Thank you for addressing it. The grapes and mountains are beautiful.
You are absolutely right, Eileen. It's amazing how many physicians don't consider this a reality. Thank you for your comment, and I so appreciate your kind words about my 🎨 art.
Thank you for your rawness and candor on the page and on the screen, Beth. I felt it acutely in your pantoum.
As much as we have learned about the brain and mental health, it feels like we are just circling the fringes of being able to treat them--but art, and breathing, and music, as well as therapy and medication are surely part of the equation to manage. And you are doing all that and showing up here on Substack. The very essence of strength and heart in the face of adversity.
And grapes! Your watercolors are lovely.
Hi Robin,
Thank you for your supportive, warm words. I so appreciate what you've said here.
There's certainly a lot more to discover regarding mental wellness. I totally agree with you that so many tools are available to help one struggling with mental health, or even preventing mental health struggles, and you name several of them. I believe these tools are so important for everyone.
And thank you regarding my watercolor grapes! I really am grateful.
Your article is so powerful Beth, the way you speak so honestly about the ongoing impact of PTSD and how cancer changed your psychological and emotional landscape, not just your body, is brave and also very real. As for that doctors recent comment - unbelievable!!
The pantoum captures the way the past keeps echoing in the present with such quiet power and I also love how your paintings sit alongside the writing as your own way of managing the PTSD…the grapes with their gentle detail and Starstruck with its wide, open sky feel like places where your mind can rest for a moment.
Thank you for sharing this open and honest reflection, the more people share their mental health experiences the less stigma there will be for others and hopefully people like that doctor might actually learn a thing or two. Warmest wishes 🙏🏻
Hi Lin,
I so appreciate your comment, kindness, and understanding. I totally agree that sharing mental health issues can help us destigmatize these.
Your analysis of my pantoum so spot-on. That's exactly how I feel: I could be at peace one minute, and then suddenly an unpleasant memory from the past shows up. Of course, I have plenty of wonderful days, too.
Thank you for your insightful discussion of my paintings. Art has a way of calming the soul.
Beth so many revelations here in your blog! First, I think it's so important to understand your "triggers" and to understand that you are still undergoing trauma--and that it's vital that you treat yourself tenderly, gingerly, lovingly. Second--you have found your rhythm with the pantoum! The poem felt very fresh and urgent and it made me feel as though you were undergoing a very important "healing" within the poem itself. The repetition seems so important here--as though as humans we are trying to shake or get beyond these negative fears, but we're trapped because we keep encountering these lingering damages if you will. Honestly I want to keep praising you for your adept adaptation of this poetic form! And finally, your haiku is exquisite and you taught me something powerful--you hyphenated the last word in the first line and carried it down to the second--so simple but genius! And I love that it brings the first two lines closer together in vibration and resonance! Fantastic--and it illustrates the poem brilliantly! Thank you again Beth for this soulful essay on making art from chilling trauma.
Gerry, thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. I so appreciate your reading my essay and poetry, as well as my art. You are so right about my understanding my triggers and treating myself with loving care. I do need to be reminded of this from time to time, as so many of us do.
Regarding the pantoum, thank you for your kind, supportive comments. I'm really loving this poetic form. It's really amazing how shades of meaning change and turn with the repeated lines, as well as new lines that are introduced. What thrills me is that I'm learning a lot about poetry and myself. And you're right, I did feel that the poem was helping me go through the healing process. There's something so therapeutic in using art -- whether it be writing or visual -- in helping the creative work through trauma.
And thank you for your kind words about the haiku. I enjoyed writing this one so much.
Your positive comments on my poetry mean so much to me, especially given the talented poet you are! Thank you my dear friend.
Love seeing your progress with the grapes, it’s coming alone beautifully! I hear you about the PTSD! It’s hard work. I understand and respect how you are moving with it and through it everyday. I’m glad you have tools to help including art. Keep those words and brushes moving, my friend.
Thank you so much, Susan, for your kind words about my experience, art, and words. I will keep creating, for sure. Being creative is a wonderful approach to what ails a person. I so appreciate your support.
Beth, first, art. I love the grapes, fun and I’m guessing it must have been a relaxing exercise to paint them. I find that the repetition of shapes helps me relax. I agree with you the night sky and mountains are finished. I love the lighting throughout the painting. “Mind games” is very powerful!! It made my stomach clench into a knot. The doctor who told you to focus on being happier lives in a bubble, how horribly arrogant and insensitive! That doctor needs to be replaced if at all possible.
I’m glad the stigma around discussing mental health is easing, but many older people (our generation) still don’t get it. I try to think of ways to explain depression to people, like having the wires disconnected on a circuit board. They really have a hard time visualizing it because the understanding of brain physiology has advanced so much in their lifetimes that they (older people) haven’t been able to keep up with the advances in research, and they rely on what they were taught long ago. Traumatic experiences are like a rewiring and disconnections and we are only beginning to learn how to treat them. (Thanks for the shout out to my Substack)
Thank you for another wonderfully creative and meaningful post!
Hi Alene,
Thank you for your kind words on my art. I so appreciate it! And you're right: it was such a relaxing exercise to paint the grapes. I agree that drawing repeating shapes -- in my case, each oval grape -- is so relaxing. I appreciate your words on my poem "Mind Games." It really describes my feelings.
In terms of the jerk doctor, he was arrogant from the time he walked into the examining room. He was only in his 40s or so, but his ideas on mental health sucked. I do agree that the older generation doesn't always understand mental health issues. You explain depression very effectively.
I so appreciate your perspective. Thank you!
Sounds like that youngun needs a good ass whoopin from his wiser patient. 💕
Your comment made me laugh! Yes, he needs me to give him a "good ass whoopin"!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles. It seems, however, you are doing a great job at living your life to its fullest. I love your grapes painting. You have done such a great job on the shading of light on the individual grapes. In time, I bet you will be able to come up with a poem to go along with it. The mountain painting and accompanying haiku are terrific. I like the way you hyphenated universed.
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for your kind comment. I am doing my best to live my best life! And that includes art and writing. Thank you for your compliment on the grapes. As you know, watercolor is relatively new to me, so it took me a long time to work on this, but that was less time I spent worrying!
Perhaps I will be able to come up with a poem for the grapes painting someday. Thank you for noticing the universed word!
Mental Health is like exercise. You work out physically because it gives you energy and makes your stronger. With mental health you work out too. It's the exercise that reveals the strengths and gifts of knowing the inner life.
Your words here are so accepting and compassionate. Life can be a tough teacher, but as you demonstrate, when you keep it real and pay attention, you grow in self-love and compassion. Sometimes our frailties are the greatest lessons. Your sharing with such emotional honesty, enriches my life, Beth. Thank you. It's like a permission slip for me to keep it real and not succumb to the influence of people who say things like, "can you just move forward now?"
And the art. . .The grapes will always be "the midnight grapes," because you painted the first draft of them in the middle of the night instead of tossing and turning in bed. I like how the added dark colors gave them shape and deeper form. And of course, you know I love "Starstruck" because it reminds me of Joshua Tree.
The poetry . . . you had a really creative week and the results are beautiful. Your voice is the glimmer of light in dark places; a song of inspiration to those of us who share the path with you; a poetic weaving of human life unfolding. As always, I remain grateful for your friendship. You are part of an artistic community here that has become integrated into my days. So on that note, I sign off as your forever friend and fan, ~stephanie
Stephanie,
You are so right about taking care of our mental health being like exercise. It takes so much work to keep our bodies and minds healthy. And I so agree that the greatest lessons can come from life's difficulties.
You are an amazing influence on me, Stephanie, for I am in awe of your candor, your strength, and the wonderful person I've come to know.
Yes, the grapes would be better suited to be called "The Midnight Grapes." I also did the final draft in the wee hours of the morning during a low-sleep night.
I am enjoying writing poetry again. I find it challenging, but so rewarding, too. I didn't realize it until you said it: yes, I've had a creative week -- even though the week was so stressful for me. Maybe it's the creative acts that kept me afloat. I clung to painting and poetry this week because I needed to alleviate all the stress I was feeling.
Sending love and hugs Xo
Not sure how or why that works, but I've also found that some of my best work comes out of dark or stressful times -- maybe because we do turn to our art, and we let our challenges guide our art. Anyway -- you did have a really creative, creating week, my friend! Sending you lots of love with a big smile on my face.
I feel that love and that smile! And I think you are so right about the dark struggles leading us to turn to art.
Dear Beth, I love how your voice gives shape to experience that many of us carry in silence. The way you weave poetry and art through the reality of PTSD feels both courageous and so deeply human. Your resilience, through everything you've lived thus far, is unmistakable ... but so is your tenderness, and it’s a privilege to witness both.
Trauma wounds can shape us for decades, sometimes a whole lifetime, though thankfully their sharpest edges can soften. You remind me to bring a little of my own history into the light too. For naming it helps us see how far we’ve travelled, and reassures others that how they feel today won't be how they feel forever … survival carries hidden costs, but also a quiet, hard won wisdom.
And then there's your beautiful paintings ... those mauves and purples in both the grapes and Starlight ... seem to hold that same Truth, as if the fruit and the night sky are speaking the same language of memory and resilience. Love and blessings always, your poet friend, Deborah. 💖🙏🫂
Dear Deborah,
Thank you so much for your kind, supportive, beautiful words. It felt a little risky to me to put my struggles out there, but after the week I had, I felt that putting them out into the universe was the right thing to do. And it felt cathartic, so I'm glad I did.
I love what you say, so insightfully, "For naming it helps us see how far we’ve travelled, and reassures others that how they feel today won't be how they feel forever … survival carries hidden costs, but also a quiet, hard won wisdom." You are right; there is wisdom to be gained. And so many people are suffering from trauma, that they can often relate to what is written down, once it's named.
Thank you for your kind words on my paintings. I'm a huge fan of purples, and I probably didn't even connect how both paintings related to each other.
Sending you hugs and love, Deborah. ❤
I think fighting cancer must be akin to fighting a war. It doesn't surprise me that you still hold trauma. ❤️❤️
Hi Rea,
Thank you for your understanding. Yes, the trauma is here to stay, and I've accepted this. This is now who I am. I so appreciate your support.❤