Matter Over Mind

Mental health struggles are real and must have a voice.

This post is an edited version of what I published years ago on a former blog. The issue of mental health is such an important one, and mental health issues unfortunately have had a negative stigma over the years. I do see that stigma gradually eroding. For another Substack that discusses mental health, please see Alene Nitzky’s essays titled An Admission and I’m Back. I admire Alene’s candor and self-advocacy.

Throughout my pre-cancer life, many people have liked my fortitude and tenacity. Despite life’s setbacks, my mind remained intact.

Until I was diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer.

I am fortunate to have been NED (no evidence of disease) for so long. And I’m grateful for my abundant blessings. Those with metastatic cancer have it so much worse than me, that it’s almost embarrassing to write this piece. After all, comparatively speaking, I have it easier.

But the breast cancer experience has truly been my Achilles’ heel, and my psyche has paid the price: I live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For me, this condition is successfully managed with medication and psychotherapy. But whenever I see a doctor or have any kind of medical procedure, I spend so much energy trying to calm myself through practicing self-talk, deep breathing, sketching on a pad, reading, listening to music, and so on, that I feel depleted the rest of the day.

Well-meaning people have told me that I should put the cancer experience behind me, and one arrogant doctor recently told me I have to focus on being happier.

Huh?

Having a life-threatening trauma – or any trauma come to think of it – can cause a chemical imbalance in the brain. In my case, untreated PTSD resulted in sensory flashbacks – such as re-living the cancer experience daily, smelling the chemo room, feeling I was in ICU again, feeling the prick of an IV needle, tasting the metallic sensation of treatment, and living in terror.

Thanks to my treatments, I now live a wonderful, content life. Yet, I can be triggered by what people might consider minor medical-related occurrences.

For example, this week has been rough on me. I’ve had a routine medical test and I have to schedule a routine physical exam soon. I have found this week unbearable.

I find the road toward sound mental health is ever evolving and always enlightening. But I have no illusions: PTSD is here to stay. Luckily, I am living a quality life nonetheless.

I’ve written another pantoum, “Mind Games,” about my mental struggles with cancer survivorship.

Mind Games

Mind games

playing cancer leftovers,

flashbacks, slash and burn, crash and churn

vessels of liquid memory,

playing cancer leftovers,

tightroping ‘tween today and

vessels of liquid memory,

I must hold the flashbacks

tightroping ‘tween today and

my former self.

I must hold the flashbacks

in favor of toxic positivity and

my former self.

flashbacks, slash and burn, crash and churn

in favor of toxic positivity and

mind games

Now for paintings.

Here are the watercolor drafts of the grapes:

Draft 1

Draft 2

Grapes, Watercolor on Paper, 9” x 12”

I realize that I can’t think of any poems on the grapes, so I’m sure I will not be able to write a poem for each finished painting.

Turns out, the painting of the mountains with the night sky is finished with no additions, so I just signed it. Next week a new painting will be on the horizon.

Starstruck, Oil on Canvas, 11” x 14”

And here is its accompanying haiku.

Starstruck

Stars’ motion, uni-

versed about western skies while

a comet descends