Boundaries

Walking away can be crucial to self-care.

I have a history of not honoring my boundaries. Either I didn’t have boundaries in the first place, or I had them but allowed toxic people to trample all over them. As part of my self-care, I now am compelled – and driven – to honor my boundaries.

This year, two toxic people have wanted to worm their way back into my life. 

And I’m not having it.

**

The first is my ex-husband, who seems to think we are friends. He is delusional.

We luckily had no children together, so our divorce was a clean break. Or so I thought. After being divorced with no contact with each other for about 20 years, after all this time, he sent me a letter wanting to know how I am and hoping I was cancer-free. This coming from a then-husband who refused to support me during my cancer diagnosis and treatment, who left me to languish and didn’t care whether or not I perished. 

I was over all this past trauma, enjoying my beautiful life, until I received his letter out of the blue. And all the hurt got dredged up all over again.

His letter also contained some weird shit, which is normal for him because he has become, well, weird. 

I know myself. If I wrote back, I’d be incapable of being civil, and that would motivate him to write to me again, explaining why he’s a good person who has always wanted the best for me. 

I’m not in the mood to be his pen pal. So I didn’t respond back. I have nothing to say to this jerk, and that is my boundary. He wrote on the envelope that this was his last letter to me ever. Promises, promises. As the man is a liar, I’m sure I will be hearing from him again.

But I am remaining faithful to my boundary to never interact with him. 

**

The second person just contacted me two weeks ago to “catch up.” I saw that he was calling me, and I let it go into voicemail. He called me again the next day. You got it: voicemail.

We had not been in communication for 18 years, due to his inability to respect my boundaries limiting contact with him and his verbal abuse. Eighteen years ago, he got kind of manic and called me constantly, despite my repeatedly telling him that I do not want that much contact with him. 

He didn’t respect my boundaries, so I ditched him and walked away from the toxic relationship. And now, after all this time, he wants to get back into my life. I refuse to call him back, which I hope sends a powerful message to him: I don’t want him bothering me.

Once again, I choose to walk away as a self-care action item.

Walking away can make the most powerful statement of all. And walking away has helped me maintain peace instead of turbulence and has allowed me to avoid being mired in anger and hurt. 

Ironically, today is the anniversary of my last chemotherapy treatment. I didn’t fight so hard to live just to get mired in toxic relationships and drama.

In fact, I have formed the most important relationship of all – that with myself. And I won’t let toxic individuals trample on my peace and self-care. In fact, after the second guy left me his second voicemail, I went to a place of safety and peace – my canvas – and revised the Castle in the Sky painting.

I brightened the castle with some lighter color and reworked the background greenery. That is going to be a backdrop for trees and other plants in the foreground, some of which will grow in front of the castle. The building is still a tad crooked, which I will hopefully be able to fix. The sky is done; I added a purplish tint to the clouds. The painting draft is at the end of this post.

How do you set boundaries?

Have you had your boundaries compromised? If so, how have you handled it?