Out of Sync

Betrayed

I was always completely in sync with my body, or so I thought. From the time I was a teenager, I treated myself to a healthy lifestyle. I had confidence in the mantra that if I were good to my body, my body would reciprocate.

I continued my healthy lifestyle into adulthood. I was not an alarmist or a hypochondriac, but if I occasionally found something medically amiss, I would have it immediately checked out. Doctors reassuringly reminded me that I was healthy. And on more than one occasion, physicians would tell me, “It’s not serious. You’re too young for cancer.”

One time, during my monthly breast self exam, I thought I found a tiny nodule in my left breast, so my doctor ordered a mammogram of both breasts, which was negative. The doctor told me I was too young for cancer, so I could rest easy. And I did.

Two years later, I pointed out an ever-so-slight dimple in my right breast to a new doctor. After an exhaustive search, he found the dimple. He stated that my previous mammogram was negative, so that was a good sign. He then told me I was too young for breast cancer and that the dimple was probably nothing. But just to be on the safe side, he’d send me for a diagnostic mammogram.

I felt reassured, with a renewed confidence in my body. In fact, I was giddy with relief, telling myself my exquisite care of my body had paid off. I was fine.

That feeling of security dissipated during the diagnostic mammogram, when the radiology technician kept taking extensive images of my right breast. That’s when I learned that I was not immune from devastating illness. That’s when I knew that I was not too young for cancer.

That hellish day, the radiologist told me about a difficult-to-see growth, and he pointed it out, but my dense breast tissue made the growth nearly impossible to see. A couple of days after my biopsy, my surgeon gave me the bad news. Breast cancer. And the initial mammogram had missed the tumor entirely. During our post-diagnosis appointment, he told me that more and more younger people are getting diagnosed with this disease every year, and he didn’t know why.

Truth is, my body betrayed me – or the “healthy” version of me that my mind concocted. And I’d be lying if I told you, dear reader, that I now trusted my body. While I still try to keep healthy, I am under no illusion that I am immune from any number of diseases and conditions.

And some in the medical establishment are so out of sync. Medical providers can be dismissive about illnesses when a person is on the younger side, heck when a person is any age. Cancer, for example, knows no age, no ethnicity, no sexual orientation, no nothing. Yet, patients are often told they are too young to have a certain disease.

And I feel betrayed by societal expectations, which often ignores the voices of so many patients – young, old, and in-between.

This is why, I believe, I’ve been driven in creating my Breast Cancer, Female and Young art series. I’m hoping it lends voice to those who have had/have breast cancer and their loved ones, but also specifically speaks to those diagnosed and treated on the younger side. As I work on each figure, I feel the catharsis of my voice coming out.

Today, I’m happy to introduce the newest addition to the series, another figure for whom I don’t yet have a title.

Here’s the original sketch, which took about a half-hour to draw in my figure drawing class, and I ran out of time to sketch her hands.

And here’s the first converted-to-oil-painting draft in its infancy stage:

The first draft is always a bit rocky for me. The main thing I focused on here is placement and proportions of the figure. It’s not exactly like the sketch, but I believe it’s a good start. I will be making changes, perhaps elongating her torso somewhat. I’ll eventually add shading. In addition, I won’t have her simply floating in space. Instead, I will have something sinister, perhaps, holding her down.

The yellow background is a tad too cheerful, so I’ll tone it down and make it more neutral eventually.

As with all my other figures, this figure does not represent me. I will always encourage viewers to ultimately come up with their own interpretations.