Hide and Seek
Hidden within my career aspirations was my deepest dream.
This essay was inspired by the wonderful writer Stephanie Raffelock, whose latest post Minor Chords and Poet’s Songs discusses how her initial dream to be a singer and songwriter ultimately morphed into her becoming the writer she is today.
As you know from my essay titled Metamorphosis, dear readers, I spent much of my young life obsessed with a veterinary career.
What I really wanted in life remained hidden, even to me at the time – to be an artist.
And that brings me to reveal a secret that no one knows about me.
When I was in junior high school, I had a chance to go to The Bronx High School of Science. But I refused to take the entry exam for that school. Instead, I applied to the High School of Art and Design in Manhattan.
I was not accepted into the art school.
So I figured my art was not good enough.
I then ditched my dream of becoming an artist and attended my local high school. From time to time I would draw, but I mainly pursued courses that would prepare me for veterinary life.
Snobbery and Naysayers
Now, after several careers (teaching English, editing, proofreading), I am enjoying my dream as a visual artist. And I marvel at my good fortune to be living a creative life.
Challenges exist within the art community, however. Even though I have claimed a creative life, I’ve had to deal with the snobbery that sometimes exists in the art industry that dictates what qualifies as “good” art. I happen to believe that the universe has room for all artists.
My first private oil painting course was wonderful for a few years. Then a couple joined my teacher and me. We all got along, but my teacher was enamored with their artwork. For example, he would tell them, “You draw so well” and “I love your art,” while he doled out harsh criticism of my work. I have pretty thick skin, but I admit I was hurt and eventually became paralyzed at the canvas. I spent sessions unable to create at all. Art was no longer fun, so I stopped attending that class.
I also participated in a few art workshops and encountered pompous facilitators. One of them criticized my painting style in front of the rest of the participants: “You are not doing it right! Paint exactly the way I am painting!” I promptly packed up my supplies and left.
Luckily, I found a wonderful college course on oil painting, where the teacher was constructive, yet positive, and treated all his students equally. Under his instruction, I grew as an artist and creating art became joyful to me again.
Now that I finally have found my passion, I won’t give it up to snobbery and naysayers. I believe, first and foremost, creating art should be fun. And creating art of any kind is a form of self-care and self-love.
Below is a new artwork draft of clouds that appear right before nightfall. I know I have several drafts to get the painting where I want it, but I’ve had fun with this one.
On more than one occasion, readers have suggested that perhaps I could write a poem to accompany each of my art pieces. Even though this painting is a first draft, I still want to take up this challenge. So here’s the haiku I created about this particular artwork draft. In the future, I will probably be writing poems for the final art pieces instead.
Ode to Magenta
Magenta, breathing
its still life in first-draft clouds
Nightfall floats, well-dressed
Ah Beth, I find myself nodding along to your words. How many budding creatives have been crushed by those early unnecessary criticisms from teachers or peers and given up on their dream of a creative life. My lack of a degree in Art or Photography was always the one that made me feel 'less than'.
But a few years down the line, I changed my career path and had far more time to practice my photography. The realisation clicked and rather than feeling less of a photographer because I don't have a degree, I feel more authentic...plus I've been able to enjoy my photographic life with far more freedom to do as I please.
As you say "I believe, first and foremost, creating art should be fun. And creating art of any kind is a form of self-care and self-love." I can only agree wholeheartedly and it's good to see you enjoying your art to the full. Adding the Haiku to your cloud painting works so well - I'm looking forward to seeing your final interpretation of that beautiful sky.
Thank you for the shout-out, Beth. This piece is so relatable. And these lines really stood out to me:
"I happen to believe that the universe has room for all artists." Would you agree that the value in making art isn't always the end result, but sometimes is in the process it's self?
"And creating art of any kind is a form of self-care and self-love." This one touches my heart. To let our soul express through our art is self-love. I hadn't thought about it this way before. Self-love is the allowing of self-expression within the quiet focus of creating.
The idea of a poem with each painting is a brilliant expansion. I liked the Haiku that your wrote about your pink clouds. Sometimes in the evening, we get pink clouds, and I love to just watch them.
Paint on and write on, my friend. Love from your forever friend and fan, ~stephanie